I’m on my second marriage, and after being married a total of 17 years between the two, I’ve learned a few things about unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations in relationships cause you to live in a state of disappointment. You can’t change anyone’s behavior; you can only change your own, so you may want to start changing the way you think about what’s not working in your relationship. I guarantee once you change, he’ll follow along. If he doesn’t, then it may be time for you to you to determine if this relationship is worth the investment, or is one you can manage once you’ve mastered the ability to expect healthier and more realistic expectations. Below are specific situations and how to respond to them.
When he doesn’t listen, and gives you suggestions on how to fix it. Men are fixers. When something is broken, they don’t’ run around complaining, moping, all depressed, or crying. They find a way to fix it. Women, however, need to vent. Most of the time we just want our mate to listen and not tell us what we should do. Appreciate the fact that he loves you enough not to want to see you in pain, and that he is providing ideas on how to take care of the situation.
When you’re rambling, and rambling on topics that are of no interest to him. Women are talkers; men, not so much. They say what they have to say simply and succinctly, and that’s that. Women just go on and on, embellish, repeat ourselves, and many times place judgment and criticism on people or situations. If after a while you realize you’ve lost your mate halfway through the story or even earlier, appreciate the fact that he’s still there, trying his best to listen. Listening to a woman’s perpetual ranting is not a man’s greatest skill. I know when my husband is not really listening to what I’m saying when I just won’t shut-up, but I love him all the more for remaining there and trying to do so while nodding or responding, “ah-huh.”
When frustrated by a messy house. Men are just not housekeepers. It’s not in their DNA. More than likely, you will have to ask your mate to do the dishes many times before he gets up off his butt to do it; that’s if, out of frustration, you haven’t done them already. Don’t let them off the hook, but don’t get upset and make a big deal out of it. Tell him without rage and anger, how frustrating it is to you when he procrastinates with his chores. That his procrastination makes you feel that what you are asking is unimportant, and can wait until he feels like doing it (or that he hopes you will do it eventually). Give him deadline, such as, “Can you have the dishes done before we go to bed? I don’t like waking up to a dirty kitchen.” And if this doesn’t work, tell him you are going to hire a house-keeper or a handyman. That may get his attention.
When he doesn’t seem interested in your feelings. Don’t expect him to understand or relate to what you are feeling. Don’t get frustrated if he’s not always on your side. It’s not going to happen. You are a woman, he’s a man. We’re wired differently. Take a deep breath, and after you’ve calmed down, analyze the situation. I assure you, his position may not be what you think. He’s not against you; he just doesn’t think or feel the same as you do. Find out where he’s coming from. You may get some good insights and different approach you can use in the future.
When you want to go shopping. Most men don’t like to shop. Get over it. Go with your girlfriends, or alone, and if he’s gracious enough to go with you, be sensitive. Don’t go through every store, browse around for hours, and end up buying what you’re looking for at the very first store you had set foot on. Don’t ask him what pair of shoes he likes best because he already knows which one you want and will play it safe by liking them all.
Relationships are hard, and sometimes you have to pick your battles. If you change your expectations about these common areas of disagreement, you may have a more harmonious relationship.
