Learning to be alone is challenging for some people. Fear associated with being alone may keep them in relationships that are not healthy. A close friend of mine has been in a volatile relationship for several years. She ended her first marriage after 22 years and jumped into her second about a year after her divorce. Her current spouse is abusive, condescending, and has no real career. She, on the other hand, has managed to complete a PhD in psychology in less than 10 years, runs a successful practice, and has raised three healthy children. Yet she remains in this unhealthy relationship. After a long time of listening to her struggles, I asked why she didn’t leave. She answered, “because I don’t want to be alone.”When I divorced, learning to live alone after 13 years of marriage was scary at first. I had a lot of work to do on myself before I would enjoy my new freedom, but after some time and hard work, it became exciting.Being alone may not be ideal, but if you don’t have a choice, or you’ve chosen to be without a steady, live-in partner, it could be quite fun and totally bearable. Here’s how:
- Don’t think about it. And when you do, change your thoughts. If you have to, briefly remind yourself why you have chosen to be alone, and then put it out of your mind. The more you put your focus on something else, the less you will think about it.
- Start making new friends. If you’ve lost friendships due to being too involved in the relationship, try to reacquaint yourself. If your friends have since moved on, then it’s time to make new ones. Go out by yourself, have dinner or drinks at the bar, and start conversations with other people who may be alone, or there’s always the chatty bartender. You can also try meeting sites such as meetup.com.
- Go out. Now you probably have more time to do the things you enjoy, whether alone or with your new friends.
- Try something new. Start a new hobby; go to an event by yourself (dinner, movies, hiking). You don’t always need someone to accompany you to do fun things.
- Have a relaxing evening. Order in, take a bath, watch a movie, or have a glass of wine watching the stars and the moonlight.
- Learn to enjoy your own company. This may sound intimidating, but you can do it. Learn to feel that you are as fun by yourself and with yourself as you are with others. Be happy that the choice is yours and you are in control.
Relationships are hard, especially unhealthy ones. Learn to love yourself so much, that you are not willing to remain in an unhealthy relationship because of the fear of being alone. Perhaps being alone for some time will help you break unhealthy relationship patterns.If after some time of being alone, you truly hate it, praise yourself for giving it a shot. Once you’ve learned to live with and love yourself, you may be ready to give love another try.Living alone is not as bad as you think; being in an abusive relationship is far worse. I know several beautiful women in their 60s who have chosen to live alone after being in abusive relationships and they are the most joyful people I know. They date casually, but are not committed to anyone. That’s another choice you have, but be smart about it. Remember, “Being alone doesn’t mean that you are lonely.”
