The recent post regarding my mother’s passing inspired me to take you along on my journey to self-healing and reflection.
My mother’s death was one of several traumatic experiences in my life including a devastating car accident my son suffered several years ago.
Having lost my dear mother recently, I’ve learned how to cope with the various phases one moves through after losing someone so dear. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the five stages of grief most of us know.
Upon receiving an early call from my sister, I was shocked to find out that our mother had died. It took me a while to realize what had happened, followed by disbelief, and then an overwhelming sense of devastation.
I was left with deep sorrow and many unanswered questions after my sister’s call. This is because, at the time, she could not provide further details about what caused her death.
A few hours later, the funeral home provided additional information. A massive stroke killed my mother. I live in Colorado, while my family is in Puerto Rico so as soon as I received the funeral details, I made arrangements to fly home. The following morning, I was on my way to say my goodbyes.
During the 13-hour flight with a lengthy layover, anxious thoughts made the trip even more agonizing. After arriving, I picked up a funeral wreath before meeting with the family. My heart sank in deep sorrow when the arrangement designer asked me what I wanted printed on the ribbon. Her compassion and experience led her to ask if she could write it for me. She did, and I couldn’t have said it better myself.
After a long travel day, I arrived at my sister’s house. Upon learning all the details, all I could do was embrace my family in silence. In the morning, we had a private viewing for the immediate family before others arrived to pay their respects.
The next day I found myself face-to-face with the coffin of the woman who gave me life, cheered me on, and wiped my tears so many times. I wanted to hug her, kiss her, and tell her as I had done many times, that things would get better. However, I couldn’t because they hadn’t. For most of the day, I sat in disbelief as tears streamed down my face. As I gazed at her, I noticed something beautiful about her. She appeared to be sleeping soundly.
The burial was held the next day at the local cemetery. She was to be buried on the same plot as my father. I dreaded the moment when she was lowered to the ground and laid to rest in that final place. I knew my life would not be the same going forward. I left the burial site with a broken heart, and uncertain about how my life would be without her. There had been an end to a generation, and I started to feel uneasy about what was to come for my own future.
That evening, as my husband and I sat on the beach at the hotel, I lost myself in meditative peace. I listened to the sound of the waves crashing in front of us. As I gazed at the blanket of stars above me, I felt a sense of calm and comfort that I hadn’t felt since her passing. Her 80th birthday celebration was just two months away. My siblings and I had been planning a party for a year before she left.
I stayed an extra day to settle the estate, as well as to do a walk-through of the house according to the lawyer’s request. It was extremely difficult for me to enter the house and her bedroom where she took her last breath. I left with one of her favorite teddy bears and a ring as a keepsake. Following that, I returned to Colorado.
It was the next day after arriving home that I felt anger. I had trouble accepting what had just happened. I thought she had many more years to live. I felt regret and frustration for not calling or visiting more often. I became very upset about how I had been unable to cope with her. This is because, over the years, she had become angry, bitter, and mean to her children and others around her. I tried to be as patient as I could because I knew she was struggling with poor health, loneliness, and isolation.
Everything we tried or suggested to alleviate her circumstances she turned down. Many times my siblings and I offered our homes for her to live in and she declined each time. Perhaps because it would have been difficult for her to leave the home where she raised her children, and saw my father take his last breath. Maybe she just didn’t want to feel like a burden or impose herself on us. All she would say is that she felt more comfortable in her own home.
After a few weeks, I started moving closer to the bargaining stage. Was it possible that visiting more frequently could have extended her stay for a longer period of time? Would it have improved her mental health in any way? Bargaining is dreadful because there is nothing you can do. There is no turning back to do things differently.
No matter what you do, at the end of the day, everything happens exactly as it should have. Several years ago, my sister shared with me that she believed that we all come with an expiration date predisposed to each of us. I am now wondering if that statement is true.
In the end, I have only one choice available to me. That is to forgive myself for the things I think I could have done better or differently. I did the right thing at the time and there’s no turning back.
My own mortality was on the line. Life is unpredictable, and I have to ask myself, am I spending it the way I want to spend it? Am I making the most of my time? Am I living my life to its fullest potential? Is there anything I still want to accomplish but have not been able to do because I think I have plenty of time left? My changed reality has prompted me to take seriously the popular saying, “The time is right now because tomorrow is not promised!” ”So what’s next for me then?”
I’ll always struggle with not seeing my mother again. It gets better, but I don’t think it will ever go away. There is nothing sweeter than a mother’s words to her children, no matter their age. No matter how old you are, you always need your mother’s love. If only I could turn back time to talk to her again. Hearing her words of encouragement is sorely missed each week during my calls to her. I will never be able to fill the void she left behind.
Having reached this point a few months later, I can now accept my situation. Healing begins and memories flow. As a result, you cry less and experience more joyous days. As a result, it is my duty to keep her memory alive in myself and others. Regardless of where she has traveled, I hope her declining quality of life has diminished or disappeared. She deserves a better eternal life than on earth.
Losing someone we’ve loved all our lives is difficult. My father passed away 15 years ago, and my mother missed him every day. I am grateful for the time I had with her. I can find comfort in the idea that wherever she may be, she is in no pain and reunited with my father. Perhaps I will see her again someday.
I want to dedicate this blog post to you Mom, a remarkable woman who taught me many qualities I possess today. You will remain in my heart and mind for the rest of my life.
Two things were lost to me on the day of that dreadful call: my precious mother and a part of my childhood. The day I had to say goodbye was one of the most painful of my life. I know I’ll be OK in time. Healing is a process that leads to growth and change, and I intend to live my life differently going forward.